Again and Again...

It was a friday afternoon 2 hours before Ernests' plane takes off. I was trying to distract myself by working on some videos in the office. I was actually amazed at how detached I was with the situation, I was wondering why. An hour an a half later my phone rang, it was Ernest. The moment he said "Bebe!" I burst into tears. I surprised myself coz I was balling and balling like crazy. He was trying to comfort me but I wasn't listening, instead, I kept thinking "Why am I crying now?". Then memories swirlled into me, first of my parents leaving for the States. I was 16, my mom woke me up and kissed me telling me to take care of my other siblings. Next was of my then very young sister unwilling to unclasp her hands off me when she and my other siblings were leaving me at the airport on their way to the States. I stopped crying at that thought. Then slowly I realized I was experiencing the same exact thing at that very moment. Ernest said "I love you bebe, bye bye...Love you so much...bye..." and hung up. It was too much... I couldn't control myself, I had to release it. I ran to the washroom and screamed the hell out of me! It was unbearable! I was very sad and I was angry at the feeling. Why do I have to experience that again and again? Haven't I had enough? Why? Am I destined to be alone?

I am not trying to be melodramatic. What I'm trying to do here is tell you a significant part me which I think explains my behaviour for the past 2 years.

I'm actually very good at it. Trying to occupy myself? Such an easy task. I can distract myself from loneliness with a lot of things, like work.
When Ernest just left, work was doing okay til our video production company couldn't sustain itself anymore, so I had to close it. Sex? Me and Ernest agreed on an open relationship, it's practically understood, were gay, were horny. So for a time I found myself chatting on the internet and making people go to my place so I can devour them. Some I turned down and bitched at, some I literally drove off my house for they were hideously UGLY!!!!!!!!!! Some never wanted to see me again for some reason, not that I wanted to see them again myself. I mean it was just sex! From Ernests' own words "its like a snack!"
But like any other snack, you get bored at it. It wasn't enough to distract me. Whenever I'm alone, the feeling sets in. Tried to find work again and got some modelling stints but it wasn't as stable, I wasn't a type A model either so... So I'm back to what I have at home which is the internet. If I could only count how many times I've jacked off on cam and put up a show whenever I can't find a guy who'd go to my place and have sex with me, it would probably gross you out.
I got tired of it also... I needed something more. Something that would give me what Ernest has given me before.

A companion...

Then I started to hurt boys...

"The Beginning Was an End"

This blog will be about my experiences within the past 2 years without the love of my life, Ernest. I will try to summarize everything during this period, I am now 29 and a month from now Ernest will be back. I am hoping to finish this before we are together again and this will serve as a monument as to how I survived being without him. I will be brutally honest so if you are in any way related to me and can't handle the truth of our expeirences together as how I 've known it, then please refrain from reading. This is a personal blog and I am not trying to promote it in any way, however my friends are welcome to read it. If in any case you stumble upon this blog and was offended by it, please try to understand that this is my perspective and it may not neccesisarily be true to everyone including youself. I repeat, this is my personal blog- a venue for me and my friends to reflect and ponder upon whatever I've posted.

So let's begin with an end...

2 months ago a friend of mine told me that I was featured in the French channel and that they had shown my 5 minute short video as part of the documentary about the Philippine Cinema. I am an aspiring filmaker and that 5 minute short was a culminating exercise for a workshop I underwent at Mowelfund Film Institute. If I could only show you that short video entitled "Payong" it would have given you a glimpse as to how my life became for the past 2 years. It was a story about a gay guy whos' lover is leaving and had left him a red umbrella so as to remind him of his love which will protect and cover him always. The gay guy became notoriously lonely and ended up destroying the red umbrella. I meant to do that story because that time, it was happening to me in real life. Ernest was moving to Germany and all he could leave me with was his promise of loving me always...

So these stories that I will be posting begins with the end of my physical relationship with Ernest...

Here they are: